Sunday, October 29, 2017

Journal: Wax On, Wane Off

I am witnessing a developing relationship with lunar cycles. I can expect my conscious environment to be effected by the waxing and waning lunar events. I am starting to become more attentive and abide by the perceived (wax and wane) energies. I witness the effects of these energies on those around me and how their behavior is affected.

My attention focuses upon the now and how it foreshadows the future. I find myself adrift within a dream upon a semi-synchronistic landscape. I am having difficulty determining if I am creating and perceiving my immediate experiences or if I am riding through a flurry of belated thoughts and desires. The transition between navigating and surrendering control is chaotic, and very unnerving, but I am committed to letting go.

As the intensity increases there is not much that can be done. Once you commit there is little that you can do knowing that you cannot go back. With every lunar cycle comes another pulse of energy to move me toward what I desire most. Humbled by the passing of every new moon.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Journal: Enlightenment 1.1

Meditation is not something that I do anymore, it is something that happens to me. Differing states of mind are natural whether they are induced or influenced by many different internal and external stimuli (built in comparative analysis of our conscious states). Sometimes I struggle to sustain a shallow state of mindlessness and sometimes deep meditative states wash over me at anytime or anyplace. And, when these deep states occur there is usually a message associated with that meditative occurrence.

Today was one of those days in which a deep meditative state occurred. The message concerned my relationship with the concept of enlightenment. Previous notions of enlightenment were overly simplified. One cannot understand what enlightenment is if they are not enlightened, just as people that are blind from birth are unable to understand the concept of color.

What I had hoped for was some sort of rapture. A definitive point in time when I would cross the threshold from the darkness into the light. I was hoping to have an Eckhart Tolle moment of realization, but for me that was not the case. Today I was given and opportunity to see where I was. I was given a snapshot of my relationship with enlightenment.

At this time enlightenment is a never ending process of conscious evolution. In a way enlightenment no longer exists as a definitive state of mind. The battles I fought in pursuit of enlightenment were part of the process. The process, as I now understand it, was never about attaining anything, but more about returning to my innate state of being. If one is seeking purpose then that purpose is the perpetual expansion of consciousness.

We have words that describe a concept of 'no beginning' and 'no end'. One word is infinite. It is difficult to grasp the meaning of the infinite. Even our physicists purport that there exists a beginning to our universe, conceptualized as the "big bang". In our materialistic world view we experience beginnings and endings, creation and decay, life and death so it is difficult to understand that which is infinite. Today I was given a snapshot of my life and what was a scarred and battered past I am now able to see an infinite expanse of possibilities (conscious immortality).

I have been frustrated and sometimes infuriated with those around me. How can you not see what is right in front of you? "I must be surrounded by idiots" (mostly thought, but rarely spoken). That frustration has prompted self isolation. Lately I have wanted to end my self imposed isolation, but do so gradually so that I won't be perceived as bipolar. Enlightenment was once described to me as trying to swallow a red hot iron ball, but I never allowed myself to consider the psychological fortitude that was going to be necessary. The analogy of the iron ball was taken literally, not as a metaphor for the painful mental, and eventual, conscious transition(s).

I am certain that my current concept will not persist, it will continue to evolve and expand. The process of enlightenment is to set in motion that which is stagnant. Our existence is not about beginning and endings, it is about transitions. Perpetual conscious evolution awaits. Transient enlightened states are my new normal. My constant state of frustration is being undermined by happiness. I sometimes find myself pushing back against these persistent eruptions of happiness fearing that they may foretell an inevitable slide into insanity. I have been fighting so long that I have forgotten how to allow the very thing I have been fighting for.

I sit here now finding it hard to stop grinning, ready to take another step...

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Lost Vegas

"Do not go gentle into that good night.
  Rage, rage against the dying of the light." 
Dylan Thomas - 1914-1953

I was compelled to write this post. My perceived allies and my intuition guided my attention as I was reading about the shooting incident in Las Vegas. I was mainly interested in the perpetrator and the why he committed such a crime. As I read about the limited testimonials from neighbors and people that he encountered daily, it began to sound familiar. Possibly a little too familiar for comfort...

I have to say that my opinion is pure speculation and I have no evidence to offer that supports my opinion. But, when I read about how Stephen Paddock behaved I began to recognize that he behaved much like I do, a targeted individual. When you are a targeted individual you tend to isolate yourself from others. Your trust in other people is diminished. When you have to encounter others you do so in a limited manner. You do not want to draw attention to yourself nor spend too much time talking to strangers. Because you are being constantly surveilled you keep the blinds shuttered to preserve what little privacy you have left. You do not have relationships with you neighbors, everyone is suspect. Mobility is key and having the ability to move from one location to another provides a perception of liberty, one that may or may not exist.

Being a targeted individual is a psychological battle with an organization that views the target as a threat. Constant overt surveillance is a means to tear down the target's mental stability. Information about the target is used to ensure that the target perceives that the organization is always watching and that there is no escape. When the target plans to go to a particular location the organization makes sure that there is sufficient overt surveillance at the location when the target arrives. What has always baffled me is how they knew where I was going even though I never allowed a plan to exist outside of thinking about it (spooky mind reading technology, people with prescience or calculated logistics based on behavior because we are creatures of habit). The purpose is to erode the target's trust of, and a place within, the social construct or at least the immediate community as well as to further isolate the target from social contact. The organization wants to make the target paranoid and an outcast. In my case, fear was a persistent state of mind. Constant fear can erode all of life's energy and subverts one's conscious perceptions of the self, rendering them a 'low-life' thus containing the threat.

If the targeted individual is exposed to electromagnetic and or sonic weapons (has used upon American Diplomats in Cuba) further degradation of the target's mental state is possible. Constant electromagnetic exposure wears the target down, then the weapons are used to modify behavior somewhat like an invisible shock collar would be used to modify the behavior of a pet. When you behave the weapons are turned down or off and when you misbehave the weapons are turned up. The purpose is to control the target's behavior (thoughts) or to force the target to seek help from family members or the local government. If the target does seek help they will not receive the help they want and will have difficulty providing evidence to substantiate their claims and possibly be labeled insane. So, like myself Stephen Paddock (if my speculation is correct) kept quiet, kept to himself and tried to maintain a portion of his once normal life.

Encountering people within the organization (either subordinate minions or people I refer to as "The Others") usually is not a positive experience. They are dismissive and have an air of exclusivity. They usually let you know that you are not welcome. They can and usually do everything they can to make you uncomfortable so that you do not want to return or encounter them again. This happens at various levels from children to adults in mostly public places. They can be store clerks, civil servants, customers, or students, party goers, fans at any venue and they will go out of the way to ensure that you do not have a pleasant experience. They are rarely ever alone. They are usually in small groups (power in numbers). When they are alone they do not exhibit a superior persona.

There is one significant problem the organization may or may not intend. If you mistreat anything it will eventually lash out against those they perceive to be involved in the transgressions against it. I have been able to control myself and have found other means of fighting back (I cannot assume that there have been other people that have had similar experiences of being invited into the organization, as I was, and then later refusing to be part of it.). The urge to fight grows greater when flight is perceived as useless. But, I cannot say that for all those that are subjected to these kind of transgressions. Columbine shooters targeted specific individuals that they perceived to act in a superior manner. Mass shootings in the workplace usually target specific people that the shooter had a relationship with. I have encountered people in my past jobs that I (now) perceive(d) to be part of the organization. They are generally covert in their behavior, but overt when the circumstances permit to let you know who they are. Couple this with the above mentioned tactics and the targeted individual may feel that there is only one solution to their plight. These tactics create a psychologically wounded person with absolutely nothing to lose. If this is the intention of the organization then there may be more Stephen Paddocks being created.

Stephen Paddock lashed out. He perpetrated a premeditated attack upon a venue he frequented for entertainment and as a professional high stakes gambler. Although he did not target specific individuals he targeted the venue that most likely contained a high concentration of those he felt were responsible for the attacks he endured as a target of the organization. Stephen Paddock sought to kill as many people as possible while exhibiting complete disregard for anyone that was not part of the organization because he probably began to view everyone as part of the organization. In my past experiences it was often to difficult to discern those that were part of the organization and the general public, now I do not give any of them my attention - friend or foe.

As mass shootings become more and more common are they a product of some kind of organized effort to take control? If you have read most of my posts on this blog you know that I believe that this reality is but a shared dream within the construct of consciousness and the infinite levels therein. Regardless of what I believe or anyone else may believe there is still the notion of something inherently evil brewing underneath that is beginning rise to the surface. That which is hiding in the darkness is being forced into the light. I am beginning to believe that targeted individuals are being targeted because they exhibit certain conscious characteristics that can expose a vastly different reality than what is currently perceived. If Stephen Paddock was a targeted individual his actions have placed light upon a looming possibility of a shattering revelation of consciousness, one of devastating doom or a liberating awakening. I choose the latter. I do not condone his actions, but they are now part of the narrative that is influencing this current existence.

I am a witness of consciousness and because I am part of this level of consciousness I influence the whole of consciousness. My experiences, as well as those other targeted individuals that have survived, shine light upon that which hides in the shadows of this reality. I have cast aside my anger and aggression for those that have taken from me that which I coveted the most, my sense of membership with humanity, but revealed to me my eternal bond with the whole of consciousness. I will not harm another for that would only cause me to become an unassociated member of an organization that does so much harm. I only bear witness and wait for that which is a constant within my conscience; that which you do to others with intent to harm will be done unto you...

May the consequences of their actions be grave, may the consequences of their actions be immediate, may the consequences of their actions be long lasting and may the consequences of their actions infect that which they hold dear. And in the end may we all bear witness to those who's role was to attempt to obscure the natural nature of this conscious reality within the infinite possibilities of a truly liberating existence of perpetual conscious expansion. - Xam 2017

So shall it be written...