07.11.11 (Transfered from original blog)

Posts from original blog www.i-am-xam.com/blog.html.


07.11.11 - What is love? For most of my life I thought I knew. I am beginning to realize that I never understood what love was, until now. I have loved and been loved, but I can now say that I never experienced love as I do now. Love always had some kind of object associated with it. There have been people associated with the emotion as well as inanimate objects. For me love was a subjective emotion, in that it is different for everyone and has different levels. Recently I have been feeling love without any association to anyone or anything. I have felt this before, but not to the degree I am feeling it now. What I am experiencing is different, very different from the love I thought I knew. It may very well be the love that is talked about in religious texts, but I cannot be sure. Utter bliss and contentment is something that I have experienced, but this feeling is not the same.
    I used to hear people talk about this kind of love. It was often described as God's love or love from some other worldly origin. I immediately associated it with my old understanding of love. I never quite made the connection. It just did not feel right to me, and so I just dismissed it. I now believe that they were talking about the love that I feel now. It is a powerful transformative feeling that originates from within me, and it is also external from me at the same time. I get the feeling that someone or something is sending me love, but I unable to determine this. I think that it might come from consciousness itself. Since I am part of consciousness then it makes sense that I would feel it coming from two places. I cannot offer any reasonable explanation, I am only attempting to describe what I am feeling.
    This started when I began to use the Flower of Life mandala. The connection I have with consciousness grows deeper every week and this new feeling of love also grows. It is now a self perpetuating thought form or feeling. It is an energy that is growing, or evolving, on its own. There is a pulsing sensation as this feeling washes over me and then subsides. My old self struggles to maintain is dominance, but retreats as this feeling grows stronger. I have trouble enough trying to discern what part of my life is real, so I can't help but wonder if what I am experiencing is another delusion. I struggle with the construct that is my reality. Right now my reality is in chaos. I cannot trust anything other than the current moment or whatever amy lie beyond it. If this is the path to enlightenment then I would not wish it on anyone. It is a struggle in trusting yourself to make the right decisions. To trust that what you are feeling is real. I know I need to let go of my old self. How do I let go of what I know when I need it to make sense of myself and the reality I live in now? This new feeling is a comfort, but it also causes a great deal of confusion.
     This is supposed to be about spiritual transformation. I may very well be involved in a spiritual transformation that I can't begin to understand. Is this what they have been trying to prevent me from experiencing? Is this what they have been keeping from me and everyone else? The past few days have been strange for me, or stranger still. It is as if everything has been paused. The radiation that I feel on a daily basis has slowed or I can't feel it as much. The feelings of fear have subsided, but they have been replaced by worry. It is as if something has been altered and the negative influences that have blanketed my life have been removed. There is this erie quiet about my life that is unsettling. Is this part of my new association with this thing called love? I need to find another word for what I am feeling. The word LOVE just does not seem to quantify what I am feeling and how it is changing me. I don't want to lose what I have gained, but I still don't have any sense of direction as to where this may lead. I am blindly following this feeling mostly because I have no other choice.
    Change is coming. I am excited and apprehensive. When I went in search of a spiritual transformation I never thought it would be like this. Sadly, once you begin to pierce the veil of this reality there is no going back. There is only one thing I can do. I need to see this through...